i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
