Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
