honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
