My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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