It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
