God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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