I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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