look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
