just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
