i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
