I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
