She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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