WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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