There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
