I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
