There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Of course I have a pirate flag
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
