Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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