Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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