my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
