I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.