When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
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So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
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Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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