i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize