Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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