As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dick very happy bro
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
