actually, I'm a sock model
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
