Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
