i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
