I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
