all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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