u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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