3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
