if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Randomize
