A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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