A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
