dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
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He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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