Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
