I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
