This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
