i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Even the bartender felt bad for me
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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