I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I stole a fireplace last night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
