I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
