Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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