This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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