So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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