I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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