my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
