I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
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nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
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He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit