apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway