I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked