This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
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He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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