Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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