I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
