Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My feet surprised me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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