So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
