You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
