Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.