Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
