Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
