I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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