remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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