You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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